So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
