K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
