For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
