If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize