you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
