Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize