At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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