were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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