ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
