wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
