it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
