I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
