spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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