Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
