Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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