I wish I could punch you in the face.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
