The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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