when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize