Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
