omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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