Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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