What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
