Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
