Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Let's get the cat blown out
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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