On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
