Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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