You smell like a Billy Joel song
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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