This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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