My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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