The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
