Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
