Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
