did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I want a musical about memes.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize