so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
