nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
