Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
