FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
