She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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