I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
