youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
