ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
