I love black thongs
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Randomize
