Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize