I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
