This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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