Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
