is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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