About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
