just tell him i said nine months
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
