I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
