I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
