who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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