Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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