do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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