I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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