he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize