not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
