Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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