I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She even gives head with a lisp.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
