i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
