I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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