I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
