My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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