Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
