she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish you could order shots online.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
