Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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