I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize