Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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